Striving for success in life is a trait we find desirable in others, something we would like to think we do in our own lives. We embrace hard work, reward employees for perfect attendance, praise and encourage our children to get straight A’s. As a recovering perfectionist, I am fully aware that there is no such thing as “perfection,” which I’m certain other perfectionists are aware of as well. But we certainly try to get as close to it as we can. The problem with striving for perfection is that we focus too much on that “prize” and fail to recognize the beauty of living a life of imperfection (aka, being human). It’s at this point that the perfectionist stops living.
For the perfectionist, their personal standards are sometimes impossible to achieve. Many perfectionists can recognize and accept mistakes others make but if he or she were to make the same mistake, they berate themselves to the point of verbal self-abuse. Maintaining a working or personal relationship with a perfectionist can definitely be challenging, since nothing seems to satisfy them.
Being detail-oriented is another characteristic of some perfectionists. Don’t get me wrong; attention to detail is definitely a strength. Perfectionists can catch minute errors that others may not notice. However, too much attention to the fine details can actually inhibit the perfectionist’s ability to move forward with a project or decision. It’s at this moment that we have to stop and think: “Does this small detail really matter in the grand scale of things?”
Many studies throughout the years have provided evidence of the multiple challenges faced by the perfectionist. Here are just a few:
- Physical health effects: fibromyalgia, heart disease, irritable bowel syndrome
- Mental health effects: Depression, eating disorders, anxiety, insomnia
- Quality of life: being a workaholic, challenges with relating to others due to extremely high standards
Professor Gordon Flett from York University in Canada has studied the connection between health and perfectionism for the last 20 years. Flett looked at 100 heart attack patients and found that the patients who struggled with perfectionism took a longer period to recover than the other patients. In addition, they were at higher risk for future cardiac problems. Flett attributed this to the perfectionist’s ongoing stress, lack of joy in life, and lack of social support.
Recovering from a perfectionistic attitude is a gradual process. Awareness of our behavior is the first step. Challenging those negative thought distortions can be done once we are aware of the behaviors. Suffering from “The Shoulds” is a struggle for some. “I should be trying to move up in my career.” “I should be able to have dinner ready for my family every night.”
Another cognitive distortion which contributes to perfectionistic behavior is black and white thinking. Black and white thinking doesn’t allow room for error. “If I don’t get straight A’s this semester, then I’m a failure” is an example of black and white thinking.
Catastrophic thinking also contributes to perfectionist thinking. An example of this is “If I don’t get this promotion at work, I won’t be able to take care of my family. We’ll end up losing our house and possibly be homeless.”
Learning to challenge these negative thoughts takes a conscious effort. If you feel that you “should” have dinner ready every night for your family, ask yourself “why?” Whose standards are those? If someone else set that standard, why is it important for you to continue that standard? If it’s you who set that standard for yourself, what’s the goal you’re trying to achieve? If it’s to provide nurturing to your family, determine if there are other ways you show this to your family. If you’re worried that they are going to starve and go without food, ask yourself if that’s a realistic concern.
The same line of internal reflection can be applied to any other type of thought distortion or perfectionistic behavior. If you’re detail-oriented but seem to get bogged down with too many details, ask yourself why that particular detail matters. Is it going to make a significant difference to the end result?
Take a moment and have a realistic perspective of your situation. If you work all day, take your children to soccer practice, go to the gym and work out for 2 hours, pick up your children from soccer practice, cook dinner, help your children with their homework, and then put them to bed, but your house is a mess, are you really the lazy person that you think you are? Look at your life objectively; if your friend was doing the exact same routine that you are and calling herself lazy, would you agree with her? Many perfectionists would state that they would not call their friend lazy and actually express compassion towards her. So ask yourself: why aren’t you deserving of that same level of compassion?
Not only do we as perfectionists have to remind ourselves of having a realistic perspective, we must also have realistic goals. Is it realistic to train for a marathon a month from now when you haven’t put on your running shoes this past year? Perhaps it is, but it would be extremely challenging, especially if your schedule doesn’t allow for the amount of time to properly train. Again, reflect on your goal and ask yourself questions. What is the goal for running this marathon? Is it to have fun with friends? Is it to improve your health and fitness? How joyful would this experience be if you pushed yourself to complete this goal in a short period of time?
One challenge that many perfectionists have is asking for help. This is something I personally have learned to do more of in the last few years. Asking for help is difficult for the perfectionist because it means being vulnerable to others. By asking for help, we allow others to see our mistakes and challenges which puts us at risk for being judged. Help is necessary from time to time. If these are true friends, they won’t place judgment on you for reaching out to them. So really, the person here who’s placing any kind of judgment on you is YOU. Allow yourself that luxury of easing your stress by asking for help.
These tasks aren’t easy to do, believe me, it’s an ongoing process. If you continue to be aware of your perfectionistic impulses and challenge them as they come, you will find that stress slowly diminishes and joy somehow starts working its way into your life in those small, day to day tasks. Self-acceptance isn’t about giving up and lowering your standards. It’s recognizing what your abilities are at the present moment, being realistic in your personal goals, and enjoying the process of reaching those goals. Perfectionism takes away the joys of the process and doesn’t allow room for error. Mistakes are just as important as getting things right because it allows us to learn and grow from that experience. I challenge you fellow perfectionists out there to put some of these concepts into practice within your own life. You won’t get it right the first time, but hey, that’s okay. The goal is to insert joy back into your life by accepting all your strengths and flaws as the unique individual you are.