After years of being together, it can be easy to fall into a routine within your marriage. Careers take off, children are born, and life just becomes busier. Where has the time gone? It can be easy to lose track of each other throughout these significant milestones. Eventually couples find their way into my office, not feeling supported or acknowledged by their spouse. How did this happen? When did things suddenly become so complicated? I often stress to couples that marriage doesn’t mean they should stop dating each other. Incorporating quality time with your partner is just as important as time with children and family. When relationships become entirely child-focused, it can put the couple at risk of growing apart.
Cultivating a healthy marriage is a daily task that is just as important as raising healthy, confident children. Some couples have stated to me that they don’t have the time to focus on each other, that the kids are a priority. Well, wouldn’t maintaining a healthy relationship be part of child-rearing? By having a strong marriage, you are modeling the type of relationship you would like your children to have when they become adults. Without a healthy relationship, you run the risk of modeling an unhappy marriage to your children. Worse yet, divorce may even be a possibility, which can significantly affect your children. The following are a just few things that can help maintain the connection between you and your partner, and can even help your relationship grow closer through constant practice.
Acknowledge each other on a daily basis. One of the most common complaints couples have when they come to therapy is they don’t feel appreciated for the things they do. How easy it is to forget to say a simple thank you to your spouse for cooking dinner every evening! But don’t stop there; make it a point to find something uniquely positive out of each of your days. It’s easy to notice that your husband didn’t put his shoes away AGAIN, but did you share with him how much you appreciate that he picked the kids up from school? Get into the practice of finding the positives out of each of the days so your relationship doesn’t turn into a daily laundry list of complaints.
Set aside time for your partner each day. This doesn’t have to be a large block of time; 10 or 20 minutes is enough to reconnect. During this time, turn off the electronics and talk to one another. There was a couple I worked with a while ago in which their schedule barely allowed time for each other. The wife had to be up at 5am every morning for work. To accommodate, the husband got up with her every day even though he didn’t have to be at work until 10am. They used this time to have a cup of coffee together and talk during that quiet 30 minutes before she would leave for work, at which time he would go back to bed. Another couple I worked with found time in the evening. Her boyfriend went to bed early because he had to be at work very early in the morning. She would go to bed with him to spend quality time before he fell asleep, then she would go back downstairs and finish what she had to do before going back upstairs to sleep.
Maintain connection throughout the day when you’re apart. Whether it is a simple love note packed away in your partner’s lunch or a quick text in the middle of the day asking how her day is going, these small gestures of affection are a couple of ways to keep the romance alive within your relationship.
Spend some time taking interest in things that your partner enjoys. Whether it’s catching the newest episode of “Scandal” with your wife or going on a bike ride with your husband, taking time for things you wouldn’t otherwise do shows how you value your partner and your willingness to share these experiences with them. Sharing the same interests is an added bonus!
Schedule a date with your partner at least once a month. Remember what it was like when you first met and you couldn’t wait to see each other again? Dating doesn’t have to be just for the young and single. Quality time allows you to reconnect and grow together. Dating also provides opportunities to try something new together. Whether it’s going to a new restaurant, finding a new hiking trail or doing something as adventurous as rock climbing, these new experiences are opportunities for the two of you to share, create dialogue, and learn more about one another.
Sex! Need I say more? Couples sometimes tell me they are too tired or don’t have time for sex. Sex is one way to maintain intimacy within the relationship, a way to connect and allow the both of you to become closer at an emotional level.
Above all, don’t forget to listen to each other. Focus less time on formulating a response to your partner and spend more time listening. You may find that you learn more about your partner’s needs by just listening.
There are certainly ways to be creative with your time and money in order to follow these tips. The point is to continue growing together as a couple and to be just in love with each other as you were in the beginning.