I heard the word “frenemy” for the first time several years ago while watching an episode of Sex and the City. A simplistic definition would say that these are individuals who are friends but are actually rivals. I would go further and describe these relationships as complicated; these are the friends who are supportive to you during tough times but have difficulty expressing happiness for your successes, that are instantly ready to help you out but are frequently critical of choices you make or even gossip about you behind your back. They can be the friends who talk frequently about themselves and spend little time asking you how you are doing. The following are some questions to ask yourself.
“After I spend time with this person, do I feel drained?” Healthy, positive relationships usually energize you. There is a healthy exchange of thoughts between people and at times you can even feel inspired. When interacting with a frenemy, you may find that conversations frequently revolve around him and her. When you attempt to talk about yourself, the conversation somehow leads back to your frenemy. This neediness can leave you feeling like the life just got sucked out of you.
“Do I feel accepted by this person?” A true friend will accept you for who you are, faults and strengths combined. Sometimes in unhealthy relationships, you may find yourself holding back things about yourself because you may feel judged by this person. Frenemies will often find fault in the choices you make; a true friend will provide constructive criticism if he or she doesn’t agree with your choices but will still respect you.
“Does this person show genuine happiness when good things happen to me?” True friends will go out of their way to share in the joy of successes that happen to you, and may even be more excited than you! A frenemy may congratulate you but are suddenly missing in action when life is going well for you. A frenemy may even question the success or criticize you, leaving you feeling disappointed rather than celebratory.
Why do we hold on to these relationships? It’s difficult to say because frenemies may not even know they are doing these things. Her backhanded compliment of “That new color makeup looks great because it makes your nose look smaller” may be well-meaning, but it leaves you feeling bad about yourself. Frenemies and the toxic relationships we have with them are complicated because there are moments when they exhibit positive behaviors. History may also be a reason for staying in these relationships. The length of our friendships may make us feel obligated to maintain the relationship.
If you find that you are in a toxic relationship, talk with this person about it. Find a way to change these patterns of behavior. If these patterns continue, it may be time to end the relationship. Foster and develop your other friendships that uplift you and motivate you. Surrounding yourself with healthy individuals will allow you to grow and help you reach your goals in life. Remember you deserve to feel happy for your successes!