I’ll admit it; I’m guilty. I’ve had my moments of walking and texting at the same time, which one time I ended up running into a wall (that wall shouldn’t have been there, in my defense!). I’ve been lightly scolded by a friend to put my phone away and pay attention to our conversation. Our world has changed significantly in the last several years since the introduction of the smart phone and the rise of social media. It’s changed our language: “She unfriended me.” “Google it.” “I want to Instagram this!” Technology has allowed us to connect with others in a way that 50 years ago no one thought possible. We have the ability to FaceTime or Skype a loved one on the other side of the world in a matter of minutes, where at one point writing a letter was the only form of communication to maintain contact with a long distance friend. Despite the significant benefits of technology, there can also be drawbacks.
A study was conducted in 2008 by neuroplasticity researcher, Gary Small from UCLA (“How the Web Became Our ‘External Brain’ and What It Means For Our Kids“). He recorded brain activity of a set of individuals who were less than skilled at internet research. These individuals practiced doing internet research for a week and then their brain activity was recorded. The results show a significantly higher amount of activity in the frontal lobe after learning how to conduct internet searches compared to before. New neural pathways form when the brain is given new activities. These results indicate that our brain is capable of changing.
In the book, “The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to Our Brains”, the author Nicholas Carr suggests that the internet has shaped our brain to become more skilled at “shallow thinking” and less on “deep thinking.” People who are well versed at internet technology have become better at skimming through information rather than gathering it and taking time to conduct a more methodical approach of processing information that requires introspection.
This is clear evidence that technology is not just changing the world, but also the structure of our brains. Children who are growing up in the age of technology and fast information can certainly process information much more quickly compared to a generation before, but may not be as introspective. From a behavioral perspective, people exhibit less patience and have more difficulty sustaining attention in a world where information is at our fingertips in a matter of seconds. Think about it for a moment; there was a time when people would sit and watch TV, and JUST watch TV. Today, you will find people multi-tasking: watching TV, scrolling through their phones, or surfing the internet on their laptop all at the same time. People lose their patience easily when things are not readily available to them. They may even lack the ability to stop for a moment and explore other avenues to find a solution through the use of good old fashioned problem solving skills rather than through the use of a smart phone.
So how does this translate to how we interact with each other? Bullying has become much easier to do in the age of technology, making it much more insidious. There was a time when bullying was a trauma experienced primarily at school, and a child can come home to a safe environment. Today, bullying can infiltrate the safety of a child’s home through social media, at any time of the day or night. The anonymity the internet provides leaves little room for empathy towards another human being because we don’t see the physical reactions of the other person being bullied.
Catfishing, a term defined as a false online persona to lure others into an online relationship has become increasingly common, as people spend more time nurturing online relationships and less time maintaining real life relationships (think of football player, Manti Te’o). Long distance relationships are fairly common now due to the ease of contact. Online dating has increased and become a more socially acceptable form of finding a mate in the last 10 years. Couples fall in love through Skype and phone conversations, flying to see each other once a month for a romantic weekend. The problem with this type of interaction is that, in some situations, it gives a false sense of connection. When they decide to take the big leap and get married, some couples discover that the idealized person they fell in love with is not the person who they thought.
Clients come into my office feeling frustrated because of the lack of attention they receive from their partner. Common issues are the lack of meaningful connection; the wife is frequently on Facebook at the end of a workday, rather than spending time with the family; a husband is online for hours in the other room rather than sitting in the living room with his wife and talking.
Texting can also leave things for interpretation:
Sally: “Hey! How was your day today?”
David: “Good.”
Sally: “Did you do anything fun?”
David: “Not really.”
Sally: “I’m really excited about this movie that just came out. I was hoping we could go see it together. Do you want to do that tomorrow and hang out after?”
David: “Sure.”
Sally: “Is something wrong? You don’t seem like you want to go.”
David: “No I’m fine.”
Sally: “You seem angry today.”
David: “I’m not angry.”
Sally: “Text me back when you’re in a better mood!”
Sound familiar? Now this is an exaggeration of things I sometimes hear in sessions, but due to the inability to hear the tone of which the words were conveyed as well as seeing the facial expressions, this brief text conversation can be interpreted in several different ways.
Dr. Sue Johnson, one of the developers of the treatment modality, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), speaks about the effects of technology on attachment relationships in her latest book Love Sense. She describes how empathy works; you see my facial expression that indicates I’m sad; your brain processes this expression and registers “Zoe is sad.” Then your body language mimics me to express concern and that you are aware that I am sad. Then you try to help me (at least I hope you will!).
Without that face to face interaction, this process is missing, and statements can be misconstrued within the body of a text or an email. Have you ever gotten into an argument with a friend or a partner based on an email or text that was sent, only to discover that the tone of the message was misinterpreted? I tell my clients frequently to have a phone or face to face conversation when trying to communicate something important to someone in order to reduce these misunderstandings.
If we rely too much on technology to communicate, it doesn’t allow us to practice real life conversations, which in itself is a skill. Imagine a young child growing up in the age of technology where one to two word texts or abbreviated terms are the norm for communication. If the majority of his interactions with peers are through text or social media, he doesn’t get a chance to practice the art of conversation. Engaging in face to face conversation can be awkward without proper practice. Conversation encourages introspection, an open exchange of ideas that are not limited to an emoji. Face to face interactions allows us to connect with another human being as we share a laugh, empathize with their experience because we can see their expressions, their body language, and hear the tone of their voice as they speak.
Internet, texting, emails, social media are amazing forms of information exchange that has created ease of staying connected with others around the world. However, this isn’t meant to replace meaningful relationships. Remember that there are benefits to reading a good old fashioned book; take time to figure out a problem on your own first before hopping on YouTube to find a solution so you can challenge your brain. Most importantly, take time out of each of your days to sit and have a conversation with your family and friends. Good face to face quality time is the one thing that technology can never be able to replicate and improve upon because this is what the human experience is about: connecting through meaningful relationships.