More than 25 years ago, professor Arlie Hochschild, at UC Berkeley published a book titled “The Second Shift: Working Families and the Revolution at Home” .
The book revealed a shocking find that women in two parent households tended to work about a month longer per year than their spouses, in a traditional heterosexual relationship. Although both individuals worked the same amount of hours in the workforce, women tended to pick up a “second shift.” The second shift describes the responsibilities of being the primary caretakers for the children, cooking, and otherwise maintaining general household responsibilities after the woman comes home from her job.
Fast forward to current times, there seems to be less of a disparity between genders in a traditional heterosexual relationship. The traditional roles of men going to work and women staying at home have shifted, now that a two income household is fairly common in the culture of today. But women still struggle with balancing work and home life. Workplaces give a brief period for maternity leave in the U.S. compared to other countries. Taking time off of work can be a hindrance to the advancement of a woman’s profession, therefore some women choose to take minimal leave for maternity or time off for family related things in order to keep their competitive edge in their careers. This can sometimes lead to strains within their home life. This article isn’t meant to get into feminist views on gender differences in the workplace. Rather, I want to focus on the effects on women’s mental health; the struggles of moving up in the professional world as they try to maintain a healthy relationship with their partner and be a great mother to their children.
In my own work in private practice, this is a common struggle with some women I’ve worked with. Working women often feel high anxiety as they try to keep all the balls up in the air. Balancing work and home life is a constant balance for women who are in the process of moving up in their careers. As careers advance, more responsibilities are taken on. The demands of children and marriage constantly change. How can a woman maintain the demands of a thriving career, be a caring and active mother, be an attentive wife, AND take time for her own personal needs?
There is no easy answer for this. The results of a study conducted at the University of Texas show that women who are in a position of power in the workplace exhibit more depressive symptoms than women who are not at high level jobs or men. There are many factors that play a role in these findings. Women tend to face a variety of prejudices being in a position of power, gender stereotypes and how subordinates view them. Add this to the pressures that women may put on themselves to keep their competitive edge by working longer hours, and maintaining a healthy home life, and this can lead to significant stress.
First time mothers often struggle with feelings of guilt for leaving their new infant for the first time to get back to work. Guilt seems to be a common theme among working mothers; “I need to be home in time to help with homework, to cook food for the family, to take my children to soccer practice.” Women who are “lucky” enough to be part of a two parent household still struggle with this guilt. They also recognize the importance of being that supportive spouse, to spend time with their spouse, all the while having various deadlines from work hanging over their head.
The reality is, until the structure of this country’s workplace environment changes, the struggle within women to keep all the balls in the air is very real. The traditional workplace continues to cater to the idea of an employee who does not have the demands of raising a family at home. The only thing we can do at this point is to manage those feelings of guilt, having realistic expectations of our own abilities and where we want to focus our energies on.
One of the biggest hurdles I’ve found with professional women I’ve worked with is setting boundaries for themselves. Learning to take care of ourselves is often a difficult task for us to do. A common scenario is that women will work long hours, pick up their children from school and take them to football practice or some other extracurricular activity; take time to make dinner; complete house chores; help with the children’s homework; help them prepare for the following day. By the end of the evening, they are exhausted, only to have to get up in the morning to do it all over again.
When I talk about taking time to relax and care for themselves, they often ask “How? It’s impossible.” Since we are talking about a two parent household in this particular article, I encourage you women to talk with your spouse and work as a team to develop strategies to divide the responsibilities of the home. Now of course, we run into other problems where it is difficult for the spouse to be motivated to help- that’s a completely different article all together, which would have to get into a discussion about showing support to each other and communication. I’m speaking on the mindset of “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.” I know I’ve been guilty of that. The problem with this mindset is that we begin to take on more responsibilities than necessary.
Letting go of some of that control can be difficult to do; after all, it was this drive and meticulous attention to detail that probably got you to the position you are at in your career. Pay attention to the goal you have in mind; is it really important to have the dishes color coordinated in the cupboards or is it the fact that your children helped to put them away?
Depending on the age of your children, allow your children to take on some household responsibilities. I’ve heard some mothers say they don’t want their children to worry about chores or making meals for themselves because they want their children to focus on school. However, these tasks are another way of teaching your children independence. Starting them at a young age by teaching them how to make a sandwich or vacuuming not only teaches them things they will need to know as an adult, but it also provides them opportunities to earn privileges, developing an understanding of what it means to work for what they want. There are some college graduates that I’ve known in present day that are surprised they have to work at low paying jobs sometimes to make it to the top of their career goals, not understanding the concept that things are not easily given to them.
Saying no is another difficulty ambitious women struggle with. Earlier I mentioned the phrase “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.” Doing things yourself the majority of the time only adds stress and unnecessary responsibilities on yourself. Getting into the habit of taking on additional responsibilities eventually creates a sense of expectation from others that you will be the one to take on those projects. Colleagues and supervisors will not utilize other resources available to them because they know you will always say yes. This eventually leads to feelings of being taken advantage of and feeling unappreciated.
Independent women can sometimes struggle with asking for assistance. Something that I’ve realized through the years of my own struggle with this is that people- good, supportive people, want to help. When they have the time and energy, they want to be that person in your life who can ease some of the burden from your shoulders because it makes them feel good. Not only that, allowing others to help you in some way gives those people opportunities to be closer to you and to develop a closer bond.
People often have this misconception that “me time” is selfish. It’s important to take some time to do something just for you every so often because it is a time to recharge, rejuvenate and get ready to be the amazing independent woman you are. Never having a break for yourself only breeds high stress and burnout, at which point those around you would be affected significantly.
The balance of having a successful career and a happy home life is a difficult task because it requires daily introspection in determining your own personal needs and the needs of those around you. Keep in mind that leaving yourself last every single time can only lead to high anxiety and possible depression, thus those around you will struggle as well. You are just as important as your career and your loved ones. Even Superman had his Fortress of Solitude to gather his thoughts and reflect so he could take on the burdens of the world. Doesn’t Superwoman need that time as well?