In the last few months as I’ve delved deeper into EMDR therapy and its treatment of trauma, I’ve become more and more interested in adult attachment. There is a clear connection between early trauma and how our primary attachment figures in childhood have helped shape who we are. Our attachment styles affect how we perceive the world, how it shapes our decisions, and how we relate to others. This includes how we behave in our intimate partner relationships.
So what do I mean by attachment? Attachment refers to the emotional tie we have between ourselves and another person; it is the bond we have with another person, and also refers to what our experience is when we are separated from that person. Our primary caregivers had an important role in helping shape this when we were children. Our experiences as children create strong neural pathways in our brain that affect how we perceive the world and how we experience it. As we become older, this development tends to remain constant, occasionally moving away from this style depending on what our partner’s attachment style is. By understanding your own attachment style and your partner’s attachment style, you can begin developing new ways of interacting with each other. There are four basic attachment styles, which I will briefly describe here. Please keep in mind that these descriptions are very general; not everyone will have all these characteristics and these attachment styles are relatively fluid and can change slightly depending on the partner’s own attachment style.
Secure attachment. People who are securely attached are generally comfortable with being open about themselves, asking for help, and allowing others to lean on them at an emotional level. They generally have a positive outlook on life, are comfortable with closeness, seek physical and/or emotional intimacy with minimal fear of being rejected or overwhelmed. Securely attached individuals are generally consistent and reliable in their behaviors toward their partner and include his or her partner in decisions that could affect their relationship.
Dismissive-avoidant attachment. Individuals who have this attachment style generally feel uncomfortable with emotional openness and may even deny to themselves the need for intimate relationships. They place high value on independence and autonomy, to the point that they shut others out because any sense of closeness or intimacy feels like a threat to their independence. From the outside, it may seem this person as cold, detached emotionally, and sending mixed messages. In reality, there is a desire to connect with others Our natural human tendency is to bond with others, and this attachment style is no exception. Being open emotionally to others can be overwhelming to them. As a result, individuals who have this attachment style will often use techniques to reduce these feelings of being overwhelmed and defend themselves from a perceived threat to their “independence.” These techniques can be detrimental to the relationship: shutting down; not saying “I love you” even though their behaviors indicate that they do (i.e., mixed messages); keeping secrets to maintain some semblance of independence.
Fearful-avoidant attachment. Individuals who have this attachment style have a mixed approach to intimate relationships. They recognize the value in relationships but often have a difficult time trusting others. They have a strong desire to be in a relationship but have difficulty being emotionally open with their partner for fear of rejection. Because of this fear, they may avoid intimate relationships all together. Similar to the dismissive-avoidant, they seek out the closeness of others, but if others become too close, they have a tendency to push those people away. Although there are similarities to the dismissive-avoidant type, the fearful-avoidant type may avoid relationships for fear of rejection and abandonment, fear of being hurt, and generally has low confidence in themselves and their worthiness of being loved. This is contrast to the dismissive-avoidant type, in which they may avoid relationships due to a perceived threat to their independence. If a fearful-avoidant person is in a relationship, they will have moments of drawing their partner in as a way to feel close but will then push him or her away because the intimacy triggers those fears described above.
Anxious-preoccupied attachment. Individuals who have this attachment style tend to want a lot of connection within their relationships. They are unhappy when they are not in a relationship, will often allow their partner to set the tone of the relationship, frequently worried that their partner will lose interest. Individuals with this attachment style are highly aware of any slight changes in the relationship. Changes in behavior or in the relationship can significantly increase this individual’s anxiety; as a result, he or she will focus energy on increasing connection with that partner. Individuals who have this attachment style needs more validation and approval in comparison to the other attachment styles listed above.
As you go through each attachment style listed above, you may be thinking certain styles are better than others. There is no “right” or “wrong” attachment style; as I stated at the beginning of this article, these are descriptions of how we bond with others and how we respond to our separation from them, attachment styles that were developed at a very early age. The important thing is to understand your own attachment needs and work with your partner in having each other’s needs met.
Everyone tends to have a basic attachment style, a baseline of relating to the world. When we enter into a relationship, our attachment style can change in response to how our partner is in the relationship. For example a securely attached individual may become more anxiously attached if his partner tends to function at a dismissive-avoidant level. By having a better understanding of your needs and the needs of your partner, you can move towards a more securely attached relationship as the both of you work towards meeting each other’s needs.
Are you curious as to what your attachment style may be? Below is a link to a brief questionnaire developed by Dr. Chris Fraley, a researcher in the study of attachment processes in close relationships.
In the next several weeks, I’ll talk more in depth about each attachment style, how these styles develop through time, how it can affect our interpersonal relationships and how we can make adjustments based on this knowledge so we can have more meaningful and intimate relationships with our partners.
Your Personality and Attachment Style