Dating is a grueling and unpleasant experience for plenty of people. Don’t get me wrong; there are those that enjoy meeting new people, having fun with each new experience without the worry of committing to a relationship and going down the path of thinking of a partner’s needs on a daily basis. But for those of you who have a goal of finding a life-long partner, dating can be daunting. To be a single parent and dating is an added challenge. Where does one find the time? Finding a babysitter can already be difficult just to go out with friends once in a while, but when you do this each time you go out on a date- this adds up quickly. Getting back into the game can be hard but remember that any kind of change is always difficult in the beginning. Entering the dating world can be worthwhile if the result is finding a lifelong partner. The following are some areas to consider if you are a single parent.
- You’ve got to make the time. I’m always a firm believer that if you really want to do something, you will find the time. Granted, having children in your life can force you to be much more creative with time management and you may even be very limited with the time you have. But remember, dating is also about meeting your own needs. It’s just as important to get your own needs met, not just your child’s in order to have a good quality of life. Some parents experience feelings of guilt when doing something for themselves; it’s okay to do something for yourself.
- Make sure you are emotionally ready to start dating. Explore your reasons for dating; is your motivation due to guilt for not having a mother/father in your child’s life? Are you hurting from your last breakup? If so, allow yourself time to heal so you are able to make more informed decisions with a clear head and heart. Feelings of loneliness and hurt can sometimes drive us into a new relationship for the wrong reasons, making exceptions for behaviors and personality traits you wouldn’t otherwise allow for yourself. This not only can affect you detrimentally, but also your child.
- Get to know your partner well before introducing him or her to your child. Children, especially younger children, form attachments easily. The loss of a “parent-type” figure is a significant one, despite the feelings you may have for that partner. By taking the time to know your partner before your child is introduced into the picture, you not only increase your chances of developing a stronger bond with each other but you also reduce the chances of exposing your child to feelings of grief and loss if the relationship doesn’t work out.
- Create a dialogue with your child. How would they feel about you dating? Create scenarios of what it would be like to have a new person in their life, exploring and validating their feelings. Having open discussions with your child can help ease them into this new phase in both of your lives. Take serious consideration of your child’s concerns, but don’t let this be the only basis of your decisions to start dating. Rather, use this as an opportunity to problem solve with your child, exploring ways they can feel more comfortable with the idea of you dating. Keep that open dialogue with your child throughout the course of your relationship with your new partner, as this helps continue to validate to your child that their feelings are important.
- Have a discussion with your partner about parenting. Have this discussion early on in your dating relationship, as it is very important to know these things before feelings grow any deeper. After all, it’s not just about you anymore; your child will be affected by your decisions on who your new partner will be. Explore your partner’s thoughts regarding step parenting; what are the boundaries to being a stepparent within your relationship? What role would he or she feel comfortable with in relation to your child? Don’t rule someone out as a potential partner just because they don’t have children of their own. You may be surprised that this person may have very similar views as you regarding parenting. Create a dialogue with this person to see what their thoughts are about children and parenting.
- Educate yourself on blended families and step parenting. Parenting and raising children is already a difficult task in itself; adding a step parent and other children who are not your own to the mix creates an entirely different way to parent and bond with one another within this new family unit. Some children may be unwilling to accept the new parent figure; you may feel that your partner favors her children over yours when making decisions for the family; you may find it difficult to get used to the daily habits of your partner and his children. By learning more about some of the challenges blended families and step parents face, you will be better equipped at managing problems that may arise when you take that next step towards commitment with your partner.
- Consider having your child’s parent meet your new partner. So I can imagine you are probably thinking “There’s no way I’ll ever do that!!” If your child’s parent is an active participant in their life, having your partner meet your ex may actually diffuse some unneeded tension. You may not have the best relationship with your ex, but the focus is no longer about the adults- it’s about your child. How will your co-parenting decisions affect your child? How will those tense exchanges between you, your ex, and your new partner affect your child? The purpose of your ex and your new partner meeting isn’t about becoming friends; it’s about opening a dialogue about how to be civil with each other for the sake of the child involved. Obviously, it takes the agreement of your ex to have this occur, so this may last point may in fact be difficult for you to accomplish.
Dating in itself is difficult, awkward, and let’s face it- dating is unpleasant when you realize the person you are at dinner with is definitely not your type. Add to that, the difficulties of being a single parent and you have yourself a challenging game of strategy, where you are not only determining if this potential partner is right for you, but is this person right for your family lifestyle. Be patient and honest with yourself when thinking about your needs and the needs of your children. When you make the active decision of moving forward with finding a partner, the benefits far outweigh all the awkwardness of those coffee dates and phone conversations.