A common struggle among individuals who have survived sexual abuse is difficulties with maintaining a healthy sex life. These challenges include, but are not limited to:
- -Physical pain when engaging in sexual act
- -Erectile dysfunction
- -Avoidance of sex
- -Lack of sexual desire
- -Flashbacks or intrusive memories of sexual abuse during sex
- -Engaging in dangerous or emotionally harmful sexual behaviors
- -Difficulty establishing intimacy within relationships
I want to focus on two things in this article: changing the meaning of what sex is and developing a new, healthy sexual identity. These concepts themselves are two very difficult tasks to master, but it’s a good start to the journey of healing and establishing a healthy sex life. The road of sexual healing is long but possible to achieve by being kind to yourself, patience, and through work with a therapist skilled at addressing trauma. Survivors often feel like they’re defective in some way; “why can’t I get over this?” is a common question I hear. Sexual abuse isn’t something anyone can simply “get over.” As I stated earlier, trauma is something that requires patience, kindness to yourself, and an understanding that your reactions and struggles are a normal response to the abuse, regardless of how many years have passed since the incident occurred.
Reclaiming your sexuality takes time. Some points to consider is changing the meaning of what sex is to you. Some of the underlying messages that are given to those who experienced sexual abuse are: sex is a tool or a weapon to be used for personal gain; sex is hurtful; there are no boundaries with sex. Many survivors know cognitively that these messages are false. In session, they can recite to me: “sex is a loving act between two people.” “Sex is supposed to be pleasurable.” “I can say no if I’m not comfortable with doing something sexually with my partner.” Despite their cognitive knowledge of these healthy ideas of sex, they have already been conditioned to believe otherwise. Take time to explore further some healthy ideas of sex and abstain from disturbing images of sex. This may mean using more positive language to describe sex such as “making love”, or abstaining from watching violent movies that show violent sex scenes. Read books about healthy sexuality, attend workshops, and talk with your partner or other people you trust about their ideas of what a healthy sex life is.
Developing a new sexual identity can also help you on your path to healthy sexuality. Things that I often hear survivors say about themselves are: “I’m not a good person.” “I’m damaged. “ Survivors will rationalize that they are not a good person, because “I should have stopped it.” “I had an orgasm when I was abused, I must have wanted it.” “I continued to participate in the abuse, so I must have been bad.” In response to these statements, I often have clients explore what they would say to that child now if he or she knew that this child was being abused. Looking at the situation through the eyes of an adult, you may realize several things:
- – Children are often powerless against adults; how can a small child push off the unwanted advances of an individual 2 to 3 times their size?
- – The abuser may have threatened the child in some way to keep this a secret; fear of having loved ones or pets injured may have prevented the survivor from saying anything.
- – Children, developmentally, may not understand what is happening. They may understand that it somehow feels wrong, but not the depth of how damaging these acts can be.
- – The abuse may be the child’s first experience of sex so they may believe that these acts are normal; “this is just what adults do with children.”
- – Our bodies naturally respond to touch when stimulated; this does not mean that a person enjoys the act or that these acts were invited in some way.
Reminding yourself of these things and nurturing that child who was hurt can help you develop a healthier sexual identity.
Learn to be comfortable with your body. Survivors may have difficulty looking at their bodies or dissociate when they make love with their partners. Some people have negative thoughts about parts of their body since they may be associating it with the abuse. Take time to understand that your body is yours, and no one else’s. Positive affirmations about these body parts can begin changing your perception of your body.
Be patient with yourself regarding sex. Forcing yourself to have sex with your partner may actually re-traumatize you. Have open conversations with your partner about sex; you may want to consider abstaining from sex itself and work with your partner in developing healthy touch that is just as loving as the act of sex. Understand and develop healthy boundaries for yourself; having your partner touch you sexually does not always have to lead to sex. There is no easy answer to reclaiming your sexuality and establishing a healthy sex life after abuse. This article only touches the surface of the work survivors need to reach this goal. I encourage survivors of sexual abuse to seek the help of a trained professional because facing these traumatic images can be scary when done alone, but it may be less terrifying when you have the guidance of a skilled therapist lead you through that dark tunnel to the other side of healing.
The following are some helpful reading materials that address sexual abuse and trauma in general: