Many people often mistake self-esteem for arrogance. In session, clients I work with have difficulty acknowledging personal strengths and things that they’ve done well because of this very reason. However, they find it very easy to identify mistakes and flaws within themselves. Some may consider this as being humble, but it actually leads to poor self-esteem. Finding the balance between arrogance and self-loathing can be difficult but once there, you can then recognize what you are worthy of and also identify what needs improvement without putting yourself down.
One exercise I frequently have clients do is identify 5 things they have done well or things they like about themselves each day. Individuals tend to focus on the mistakes they have made, but pay very little attention to small daily accomplishments. Although it’s important to acknowledge mistakes to learn from them and make changes, it is just important to recognize the things that have gone well in order to build upon them. Minimizing those small accomplishments only adds to negative thinking; each accomplishment needs to be celebrated. Helping your children get ready for school or being an organized person are tasks that are not easy to do.
It’s easy to get caught up in the thoughts of “I should have…” If it is a task that you can change, think of ways to reach those goals. If it’s a mistake that cannot be changed, accept it and move forward. Recognize that you made the best decision you could have made at the time with the resources available to you rather than reprimanding yourself repeatedly. Self-loathing breeds negativity and is unproductive.
Live your life according to your rules. People will have opinions but the bottom line is it’s your choice how you wish to live. There are some who have made career choices, married too soon and chosen places to live because of the influence of others. These decisions are sometimes based on fear of being judged or taking a stand on their own decisions. Each person is deserving of the things they want out of life; recognize that you are worthy of these things. You may make mistakes along the way, but mistakes are there to learn from and improve upon.
Surround yourself with people who will encourage and motivate you. Critical people may seem to have the best intentions for you, but have you walked away feeling motivated and encouraged? There is a fine line between constructive criticism and judgment; do they provide you with viable solutions or do they shoot down your ideas with no additional feedback? Positive people will provide you with their opinion about a situation, but also acknowledge the things that you do well. In the end, it’s just an opinion that they are providing; again, you have the choice of living your life according to your rules.
Having good boundaries is another aspect of self-worth. I’ve met clients who spend a significant amount of time caring for everyone around them, leaving little to nothing for themselves. When exploring the concept of self-care and doing things for themselves, feelings of guilt arise and some even consider this to be selfish. Recognize you are worthy of doing things just for yourself; it’s an admirable trait to be generous and helpful but creating balance in your life helps to build self-confidence. This in turn can improve your relationship with those around you.
View challenges in life as opportunities for growth. It can be easy to fall into the trap “Why does this always happen to me?” This negative thinking only lowers self-confidence and can lead to depression. Unfortunate events can foster effective problem solving and also test your resiliency. Having a flat tire can cost you money that you can’t afford, but you now have a new tire. This is not to say that life should be seen through rose-colored glasses; recognize that life has its challenges and how you respond to these challenges is an opportunity to practice your problem solving skills.
Overall, building confidence and increasing self-worth is no easy answer. Changing years of negative thinking is not going to happen right away. Being consistent in practicing these skills is a great way to start down that path of confidence.