Helping Someone You Love Who Has Anxiety

For those living with some form of anxiety, daily life can be a challenge.  However, we sometimes forget that it can also be a struggle for their loved ones.  If you are someone who loves and cares about a person who struggles with anxiety, I’m sure you’ve experienced a variety of emotions in your interactions from time to time: frustration, helplessness, sadness, guilt, and perhaps even your own anxiety.  Eventually, these experiences can put a strain in your relationship.  Depending on the severity and type of anxiety someone has, it can affect a person’s ability to keep a job or maintain good social relationships.  There are a variety of different types of anxiety that people may struggle with ranging from general anxiety, to phobias, to even full blown panic attacks.  These challenges eventually affect you in one way or another.  You may experience financial strain if your spouse is unable to keep a job due to his anxiety.  You may not be able to enjoy dinner parties, concerts, or other social events if your loved one struggles with social anxiety.  You may find yourself altering your routine or behaviors because your friend experiences frequent panic attacks.  Eventually, you may feel frustrated and resentful, leading to a breakdown in communication and feeling unsupported by each other.  

From the outsider’s perspective, anxiety can seem completely irrational and even annoying.  You may even feel helpless when your loved one is going through a panic attack.  These feelings you may be experiencing regarding anxiety are probably the same feelings your loved one is experiencing.  He or she is probably annoyed with themselves for experiencing anxiety; they are frustrated for having a panic attack in the grocery store with no apparent trigger.  But being aware and frustrated about having anxiety doesn’t make the experience any less real for them.  It’s a disorder that requires constant management.  With your support, you can play a positive role in this process; here are some tips on helping your loved one work through anxiety.  

• STAY CALM. Anxiety can be like a contagious cold.  One person can feel stress, then suddenly you start feeling the same.  Two different research studies, one at the University of Hawaii and the other at UC San Francisco has shown that this phenomenon actually occurs.  Managing anxiety can be difficult for the person experiencing it; if you start feeling the same, it may actually add to that person’s stress level.  If it’s difficult for you to remain calm, refer to the following links that outline steps on coping with panic attacks and managing anxiety.  Keep strong boundaries for yourself; don’t make that person’s anxiety your own.

• Provide helpful and supportive statements. One of the worst things people have said to me when I’ve felt anxious is “Calm down!”  I don’t know about you, but the minute I hear those two words, my anxiety actually increases.  Refrain from statements like “Oh you shouldn’t feel anxious about that” or “you’ll be fine”.  Statements like these trivialize the person’s experience.  Yes, feeling highly anxious in a public place may seem irrational to you, but the experience is quite real for them.  Validate their feelings: “I can see that being out in public causes you stress; that must be hard for you.”  If you don’t know what to say, simply ask “What do you need from me to help you?”  Sometimes they may just want you to go about your normal behavior as they work through the anxiety.

• Be a good listener. This is a great way to provide support and empathy in a non-judgmental fashion.  Allow them the opportunity to talk about their anxiety if they want to.   Listening is also great because if you are at a loss for providing comforting words, listening doesn’t require much effort on your part.

• Give them some physical space.  When you see a loved one experiencing a panic attack, a natural tendency is to go towards them and try to help in some way; too many people crowding around can become overwhelming.  Those who experience panic attacks often describe difficulties breathing.  Many of my clients who struggle with panic symptoms often look for escape routes where they have access to a clear, open space in case they are flooded with a panic attack.  Give that person room to breathe and a sense of space. 

• Don’t enable. There is a fine line between being supportive and enabling. Enabling means altering your own behavior to accommodate your loved one’s anxiety.  Does your loved one have anxiety around social situations?  Don’t prohibit yourself from attending a social event because of this; be supportive and encouraging.  Encourage them to attend; perhaps you can even negotiate a time limit for staying at the event.  Enabling the behavior by avoiding those situations or places only increases the anxiety associated with it.  This can eventually leave you frustrated and resentful, which in turn will affect your relationship.

• Encourage them to seek treatment from a trained professional, if they haven’t done so already. Some people are hesitant about coming to therapy in general, but they may find it to be of significant benefit to alleviate some of those acute symptoms.  Anxiety disorders are extremely common in the United States, with an estimated 40 million adults struggling with it.  There are a variety of different methods for someone to receive some relief from their symptoms.

Above all, remember to practice your own self-care.  Don’t take on your loved one’s anxiety as your own; it isn’t your responsibility to make them feel better.  This is their struggle which they must learn to work through and conquer.  The best thing you can do for them is to be patient, supportive, and encouraging during their journey towards wellness.