I’ll say it again: divorce sucks. It’s probably one of the most devastating tragedies anyone can go through. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard newly married couples say that they don’t want to end up as one of those divorced couples, and honestly, who does? You go into a marriage with the best of intentions, putting your best effort into creating a meaningful life with your spouse. But sometimes, it just doesn’t work out, no matter how hard you may have tried. The tragedy isn’t just about the end of a relationship; it is the end of a life that you’ve built together, the end of a family unit that you’ve created with a loving foundation, the end of a future you had planned together. But divorce doesn’t have to mean the end of a great life; this is also a beginning of something new. You have the ability to create something new, something full of hope and of love. The trick is finding that courage and strength within yourself to do it. We all have it within us; it’s a matter of finding it and using it to move forward.
First and foremost, allow yourself to grieve this loss. I equate the end of a marriage to the death of a loved one; it’s absolutely painful, but moving through the 5 stage of grief in a healthy way can actually build resiliency within you. What healthy grieving means is not over-indulging in alcohol or the use of any other substances to “numb” the pain; this can only create more problems down the line. Healthy grieving also means not allowing yourself to fall into a state of depression. Although it can be difficult, try to maintain a normal routine as much as possible. Yes, allow yourself the time alone to get back on your feet, but be aware of that fine line between time needed for healing and isolating yourself from the world. You may not be functioning at your most optimal level but isolating and neglecting regular responsibilities can only add to the stress you are already feeling.
If you know anything about me, you will constantly hear me preaching about the importance of self-care. Eating healthy, getting exercise in as well as proper rest are all important not just for your physical health, but for your mental health as well. Taking good care of your mental and physical health will allow you to begin the emotional healing that is necessary to get through the pain of a divorce. Easier said than done, right? The first few steps are probably the hardest, but if you continue down that path and develop a healthy routine you will eventually feel the healing begin. You may find one day that it hurts less than the day before; you may even find yourself smiling again.
With that in mind, take time to begin exploring new interests. This is an opportunity to learn more about yourself by returning to things you may have stopped doing during your marriage, or even finding new activities you never knew you were interested in. Many people don’t know where to begin, feeling lost as they begin to explore a new identity. Spend time with friends and loved ones who can support you through this process; self-exploration can be fun, especially if you have someone who is willing to try new things with you.
As tempting as it may be, try to spend time taking care of yourself before jumping into a new relationship. Many people feel a loss of their identity and completely alone after a divorce so it’s only natural to want to hurry up and find a new partner. Take some time in developing a better understanding of who you are. What was missing out of your marriage? What do you want for yourself? What do you want for your family? What do you want in a partner? Do you know what your boundaries are, your likes and dislikes? When you have a better understanding of who you are as an individual, you will then have a clearer picture of what you want in a future partner.
If you have children, consider participating in co-parenting classes or counseling to help support them. If you find it difficult managing the frustration, sadness, and anger surrounding the end of your marriage, imagine what they must be going through? Co-parenting can help you and your ex find amicable ways to communicate that doesn’t involve putting your children in the middle of your conflict.
Also consider participating in counseling for yourself; you don’t have to go through this alone. Seek regular support through your loved ones and find a therapist whom you can process your feelings with. Once you get through this stage of your life, you may be surprised at how resilient you’ve become.
I couldn’t agree more with all this says. But DOING it has remained impossible. Depression during the 18 year marriage for me, which hit like a ton of bricks when I went through a “mini to major” emotional crisis at my place of work was something I won’t forget. I have forgiven myself many times over, but I did lose my job eventually. (very high stress) plus emotional problems in my marriage began as he dismantled what was left of my self esteem, & what little confidence I had by then. (I should mention my mother, now 90, has most narcissistic maternal traits), as I learned through counseling and a great psychiatrist. She has caused me much emotional pain. My now ex spouse also a narcissist with nearly every spousal trait I’ve ever read). A very ugly, cruel, and vicious divorce that ended very badly for me, as most narcissists are such excellent pathological liars that they’re very convincing to others in smearing your good reputation and character everywhere they get a chance. I’m struggling. I’m afraid. I’ve lost what’s most important to me, my 35 year old daughter from my first marriage out of high school. And her three daughters. My granddaughters. All because of my ex’s vengeful targeting of me to hurt me and make me weaker. My daughter and I were closer than I could have ever hoped for. She was my ROCK. After having nevef had a mother daughter relationship with my own mother, (she blames me for everything I’ve ever done wrong and pointed out all my failures as she’s seen them through her eyes), until 3+ years ago when I had to go No Contact with her, for my own health and sanity. I’ve been disowned by my other family members for doing so. (they’re stuck with her now). My separation and long drawn out divorce devastated and heartbroke me enough. He’d cheated for years. I NEVER KNEW! Noboby did. I’m blamed for that. A depressed wife is not a fun wife to come home to. I get that. I tried. He didn’t. He left when I had proof. That was 10/2011 when I told him to leave. I loved him though. Wish I didn’t. But I can’t undo that nor can I undo all the cheating. It still devastates me to think about! Lost our home 8/2012 to foreclosure. I’d owned it prior to meeting and marrying him in 5/1995. I had to get out or be put out. On disability wages only. Plus my one and only friend in the world, my Golden Retriever, Sophia. He wanted her. Said she deserved to be “happy” to. Ugh. I have her. The one thing I was granted in the divorce no questions. I thank God for her each day. The separation, divorce and post divorce still today that’s not finished because he’s been in contempt of court since 8/12/2013, has gained me a new diagnosis of Complex PTSD. My family knows nothing of it because we don’t talk and i’m not coming along well at all with any recovery, healing at all. He continues to harrass in small ways. Under the radar of the law. I’ve isolated myself more each day knowing that not only does nobody love me, but he’s spread the most awful huge rumors. I’ve stayed silent. I’m not on FB. I have NO CONTACT WITH ANYONE because they thrive on REACTION. reaction to anything. I’m holding myself together with very weak glue. Financially ruined. That’s a huge trait of theirs. And I can’t afford to pay all my bills thanks to non payment of maintenance since 9/1/13. And not because I haven’t tried. I’ve hit every road block that shouldn’t be up against me. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever be free of this sociopath and gain my daughter and granddaughters back. She never once came to me with any questions. Not like her. She was so convinced that i’m a horrible mother and treated my husband abusively. (he flipped himself into me), and that was the end of it. I’ve kept my silence hoping it will work it’s way to the truth, but the days get longer and my granddaughters are now 11, 9, & 7. I won’t get that time back with them. Help. If you have any suggestions i’m listening. People don’t get it. They tell me my daughter is a bitch for doing what she’s done. She believed his lies. I believed his lies. I’m hoping for a miracle and I don’t see one coming.
I’m so sorry you have been going through this! This sounds like a much more complicated issue that would need to be addressed privately than through a public forum. It may be a good idea to contact a counselor to help you through this. Please let me know if you need help with locating one.