“I don’t know if I can trust my spouse again.” “Can I get this past this?” “I don’t know how to prove that I won’t do this again.” These are just some things couples have stated to me in therapy who have experienced infidelity within their relationship. Feelings of hopelessness arise upon discovery of an affair. There is, however, potential for couples to recover from the trauma of infidelity. In my own work with couples, some have even reported growing closer and stronger after the affair.
Understanding the reason behind infidelity is complex. I’ve seen affairs occur in troubled relationships as well as healthy ones. There may be deficits within the relationship such as difficulties with communication or showing affection; self-esteem issues; life transitions; addiction. The betrayed spouse may be in search of one simple reason as to the cause of the affair. My experience when working with couples who are recovering from infidelity show that there are a combination of reasons behind it.
Before moving forward, a couple must decide whether to stay married or separate. Having a clear, identifiable goal will lay the foundation on what steps to take. Couples often come into my first session confused on what to do; one spouse may want to work on the relationship while the other wants to leave. Working with a skilled therapist can help guide the couple through this process of developing a goal.
If the couple decides to stay together, there must be commitment to working on the relationship. This does not mean saying “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again” and moving on. Working on the relationship would mean exploring problems that have been in place long before the affair or identifying areas that contributed to the spouse being unfaithful. This process can be difficult because it usually explores each individual’s role in the problem. To clarify, this doesn’t mean playing the blame game. It simply means there may have been some underlying factors that each partner may have been unaware of that contributed to the infidelity.
Committing to working on the relationship also means the affair has to end. The process of healing is not possible until this is done. Ending an affair means ceasing all forms of contact, not just sexual relations. The unfaithful spouse must also be willing to be open and honest about the affair. It is normal to have multiple questions upon the initial discovery, but this does not mean providing unnecessary details that can only hurt your partner (i.e. “Was he better in bed than me?”). Be honest about the affair, but keep in mind how the information can help rebuild trust between you and your partner.
Your mindset about commitment also plays a role in determining if your relationship can survive infidelity. If you believe that an affair is unforgivable and a relationship can never recover from it, then, yes, I would agree with that. You cannot commit to working on mending the trauma when you already have a preset notion that it could never work.
Another important point for the road to recovery is patience. It may take time to heal from the trauma of an affair; the betrayed spouse may need frequent reassurance and empathy to rebuild trust. Consistency and honesty from both individuals can slowly rebuild faith in the marriage and can even deepen it much more than the couple has ever experienced with each other.
If you and your spouse are struggling from the aftermath of infidelity, I encourage you to seek a therapist to help you through this trauma. Emotions run high at the initial discovery of an affair; with the help of a skilled professional you can slowly begin the process of mending broken hearts and possibly experience a deeper level of commitment and love you never thought was possible.