In an earlier article I wrote about attachment styles and how it can affect our adult relationships. Attachment styles develop during our early childhood years and tend to remain constant throughout our life, varying slightly based on who we enter into a relationship with. Looking at each attachment style, you may feel that being securely attached is ideal. Just because you didn’t have an ideal childhood or are insecurely attached does not set the precedence of doom for your relationship.
Children who grow up in a consistently nurturing household will tend to have a more secure attachment style. Parents of these children attend to their emotional needs, spend quality time, encourage exploration and other positive developmental behaviors. These parents respond warmly, set appropriate boundaries, and are generally consistent in these behaviors when raising their children. In response, these children feel safe to explore their surroundings because they have their parents close by, parents who are ready to reinforce these behaviors through encouragement. Securely attached children are also more engaging with others because their parents are modeling friendly and warm behavior.
These children grow into adults who are comfortable with trying new things. They make friends with minimal anxiety and generally feel confident in who they are as they enter into relationships. Securely attached adults feel comfortable in expressing their thoughts and feelings openly to their partner, feeling comfortable with emotionally intimacy. They also have a good balance of autonomy within the relationship. Securely attached individuals are open to being that supportive figure for their partner, as well as seeking the support of their partner in their own times of need.
They also have their moments of disappointment, sadness, and anxiety, experiencing a range of emotions. Securely attached individuals have the ability to bounce back fairly easily from these uncomfortable feelings. Feelings and negative experiences aren’t internalized where it can damage self-worth. If they have negative experiences, securely attached individuals don’t tend to attack their partner in a way that is purposely diminishing or humiliating.
There is a possibility that a securely attached individual can be affected by their partner’s own attachment style. If you enter into a relationship with someone who is shut down and doesn’t communicate effectively, it would only be natural to feel a little insecure about where you stand in that relationship. You may think that in order to have a healthy, happy relationship the both of you will need to be securely attached. As I stated earlier, just because you may have had a difficult childhood you aren’t doomed to a lifetime of failed, insecurely attached relationships.
The first step to having a healthy relationship is awareness of your attachment style as well as your partner’s. This helps the both of you understand your own needs and the needs of your partner. Through this awareness and consistent effort in trying to satisfy those needs, you can begin moving into a more securely attached relationship. Studies on adult attachment have shown evidence that securely attached individuals can help move their partners from an insecure attachment style (dismissive-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied, fearful-avoidant) to a more securely attached style through their own natural tendencies of support, nurturing, and acceptance. Overall, individuals have the opportunity to move towards a more securely attached relationship through awareness and active work on each of their parts to create a more trusting, supportive, and loving relationship.
References:
Levine, A., & Heller, R.S.F. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep- love. New York: Penguin Group.
Fraley, R.C. (2010). A brief overview of adult attachment theory and research. Retrieved from https://internal.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm