One common goal for therapy that clients often share with me in their first session is “I want to work on improving my self-esteem.” What is self-esteem? At its most basic definition, self-esteem is how one views themselves. It’s a judgment that we place on ourselves. Self-esteem has a direct link to our mental health and our quality of life. Low self-esteem contributes to feelings of depression and anxiety, as well as making poor choices for ourselves, whether that be having poor relationships or a job that makes a person unhappy. People with high self-esteem tend to live happier lives and exhibit a better quality of life.
To clarify, having high self-esteem isn’t about having an unrealistic, inflated idea of who you are. In reality, it’s about recognizing your personal strengths, traits, and other things that make you YOU, while having a balanced perception of your challenges. You also recognize what it is about you that needs to be worked on and changed, without engaging in negative self-talk. With healthy self-esteem, a person is able to recognize their personal worth, that they are deserving of love and caring, are able to recognize challenges as opportunities for growth rather than barriers meant to make life harder. Because of this recognition of worth and seeing challenges as opportunities, these individuals then are able to take healthy risks to further grow and improve upon themselves.
In contrast, those who struggle with self-esteem often see life through a negative lens. There are frequent emotions they struggle with such as guilt, sadness, shame, and anger. Challenges in life are often seen as barriers that happen to them, “Why does this always happen to me?” These challenges further validate the self-defeating thoughts that arise, that maybe they aren’t deserving of good things, therefore what is the point of even trying. As a result, these individuals take less healthy risks to grow from because of these self-defeating thoughts, which continues into the cycle of guilt, shame, and sadness. Eventually, these individuals tend to struggle with more social and emotional problems.
There are a few things that actually contributes to a person’s self-esteem. Basic temperament can play a role in one’s outlook on life. Temperament is biologically based and independent of one’s learning through environment and other personal experiences; one’s temperament tends to remain constant through time.
Relationships with family and friends can affect self-esteem. The people we allow into our lives can either boost us up and make us feel good, or affect our self-esteem negatively.
Finally, stressful life events are bound to happen, that’s just part of life. Whether it’s chronic illness, going through a divorce, transitioning into adulthood, or experiences with abuse can all affect how we see ourselves and our place in the world.
Unfortunately, building self-esteem is a lot harder than saying positive affirmations to yourself in front of the mirror. It takes time and consistency to get to a place where you have a good sense of your worth. The first step is building an overall awareness. Do you notice the thoughts that float in and out of your head throughout the day? How we think can significantly affect our mood and the decisions we make for ourselves. Do these thoughts build you up or make you feel worse? Take a moment and reflect on the life you are currently living. Do the activities you engage in or the routine you are in make you a better person and make you feel good about who you are? If not, what changes can you make in those areas? Sometimes we are in situations that are beyond our control, but we can take small steps towards making those situations bearable by setting limits and boundaries for ourselves or engaging in self-care strategies.
Reflect on the narrative you have about yourself. The “narrative” I’m referring to is the ongoing belief we have about ourselves. I know it can be difficult to change these stories we have about ourselves, especially if it’s been an ongoing message we’ve said to ourselves for years. What I’m suggesting is to simply observe these thoughts and how it affects you. If for example, your narrative is “I’m not good at anything”, observe how this thought affects your mood and how you behave. Does it also prohibit you from trying anything new, taking those healthy risks I was talking about earlier? If you wanted to change, what do you think those changes would be? Would it help you feel better?
Accepting compliments is also another behavior we could all work on improving. I often hear others protesting when someone compliments them on either how they look or on a personal accomplishment. Accepting compliments can feel awkward and uncomfortable, but protesting and minimizing them only seems to invite more discomfort. Accepting a compliment also does not mean you’re narcissistic; it’s acknowledgment of what’s great about you. A simple “thank you” goes a long way; really listening and reflecting on the compliment is a step further. You may not believe it initially, especially if you engage in a lot of the negative thinking. If you can take a moment and look at the compliment objectively, without judgment, it’s a small step towards internalizing this compliment and improving your self-esteem. Many people won’t provide a compliment unless it’s truly deserved.
Basic self-care is another way to work towards self-esteem. This is getting good rest, regular exercise, making healthy food choices. This doesn’t necessarily mean spending hours at the gym or depriving yourself of certain foods; exercise could be just taking a 30-minute walk each day, healthy food choices is reducing (not eliminating) the amount of indulgent foods you take in on a regular basis. Taking these small steps is a way of acknowledging that you’re deserving of a healthy body and a healthy mind.
Spending time with people who lift you up and make you feel good about yourself can also contribute to self-esteem. Sometimes we find ourselves continuing friendships and relationships that are toxic. Being able to set those boundaries for yourself is yet another way to acknowledge that you are deserving of much better treatment and who can see the strengths that you already carry within yourself.
Building self-esteem can be a life-long process, but each of these strategies is another step closer toward realizing the worthy and deserving person who resides in YOU. Remember that greatness already resides in you; it’s these small steps that can help you see who you truly are.
