Something my friends chuckle about is how excited I get when I meet a person that I like. I talk about how great this new person is; I say things like “She doesn’t know it yet, but we’re going to be good friends.” I’ll even go out of my way to orchestrate activities that I might not normally participate in, just so I have the opportunity of getting to know this person. (Okay, if any of you current friends are reading this, I more than likely have done this when I first met you.)
But during my initial encounter with this new individual, I get super nervous. Negative thoughts start streaming into my head like a moving train: “I don’t have anything interesting to say; why would he ever want to be my friend?” “Why am I pretending to be an extrovert by attempting to make a new friend? “She’s going to find out I’m completely boring.” After engaging in a little bit of internal dialogue to challenge these negative thought distortions, I eventually relax and start on this path of developing a new friendship.
Making friends can be difficult, and for some it can be so terrifying that individuals avoid social situations altogether. Social anxiety is a condition that affects approximately 8% of our population, according to Dr. Thomas Richards from the Social Anxiety Institute. So let me clarify; just because you get nervous every so often when you do a public speech or go into a social situation doesn’t mean you have social anxiety. It’s common to feel a level of anxiety in unfamiliar situations. Shyness, which is a personality trait, is also not the same thing as social anxiety, which can be a debilitating condition.
Individuals who struggle with social anxiety come to a point where they begin to avoid social situations. They obsess about an upcoming event to the point it affects normal functioning (i.e., becoming physically ill, calling in sick to work, no longer participating in normal routines due to the feelings of distress). Some physical symptoms associated with social anxiety include:
- Dizziness
- Shortness of breath
- Increased heart rate
- Nausea
- Sweating
- Trembling
- Red face or blushing
So how does one work through social anxiety? Well, first of all if you think you truly struggle with this, I encourage you to seek professional help. It’s not easy to manage any type of anxiety disorder; a trained therapist can help guide you through all that emotional distress you’re experiencing. Here are a few things you can work on to help get through those symptoms while you’re waiting for your first appointment.
Just like with general anxiety, you want to make sure that you BREATHE. I tend to struggle with anxiety every so often and I can’t tell you how much this helps alleviate some of the immediate symptoms of shortness of breath and the butterflies I get in the pit of my stomach. Whenever we experience anxiety, people generally begin to take shorter breaths. Make sure you are taking slow, deep breaths that come deep from your diaphragm. This ensures you’re getting proper air needed to prevent a panic attack from happening, or worse, passing out.
Challenge those negative thoughts that come up. Our emotions tend to cloud our judgment, making it difficult to remain objective. Be aware of this fact because this will help you challenge those negative thought distortions. Is everyone really staring at you? What evidence supports your belief that everyone thinks you’re stupid and boring? If the people around you really did know you were anxious, do you think it would matter to them?
Expose yourself to anxiety-provoking social situations. My suggestion to you is not to jump into the deep end of the pool right from the start. If public speaking makes you dizzy and nauseated, don’t suddenly do a TED Talk tomorrow where you’re addressing hundreds of people in a room. Create a list, rating various anxiety-provoking situations from very low anxiety (1 out of a 10 point scale) to a situation that is absolutely unbearable (a 10 out of 10). Practice it; if saying hello to a stranger in line at the Starbucks produces low anxiety, say at a 1, do this every day you get your morning latte until greeting a stranger doesn’t really bother you. From that point you move on to the next anxiety-provoking situation on your list. .
These steps definitely aren’t easy. With constant practice and the guidance of a trained professional, you can certainly overcome this challenge and begin developing more meaningful relationships, knowing that your charismatic personality will shine through!