A while ago I wrote an article about perfectionism and self-acceptance . In that article I explored the concept of having realistic expectations of ourselves. By accepting who we are as unique individuals, this helps reduce some of the anxieties and disappointments we experience for not being able to achieve our own ideas of “perfection.” Through self-acceptance we can learn to work towards goals at our own pace, finding joy throughout our journey as we are making our way towards that goal. Self-acceptance is challenging enough, but it’s also made me think about the role of acceptance within our intimate relationships. Both self-acceptance and acceptance of our partner are connected; after all, how can we accept our partner and all their quirks if we can’t even accept our own? There are times when couples treat each other with such contempt, acting like enemies. In the midst of all this chaos, they forget they’re still on the same side of trying to create a harmonious life together. Couples get stuck in their pattern of hurting each other to the point that it creates such distance between them.
Within these negative dialogues, there’s an underlying hope that maybe your partner will see the light and will want to change. It’s natural to have this desire, especially if our own needs aren’t being met in the relationship. The reality is your partner may not be able to change to the degree you want, or may even refuse to. To clarify, acceptance isn’t about sitting back and allowing your partner to behave inappropriately or mistreat you in some way. Rather, acceptance is about recognizing the very essence of who your partner is, both the strengths and limitations he or she possesses.
There’s a concept in therapy known as “radical acceptance.” This refers to seeing a situation for what it is, without judgment. In order to move forward, you must first be able to acknowledge the situation for what it is. Take for example a husband that says he is going to fix a broken fence. You’ve reminded him for the last 3 months but he still has not fixed it. You can get angry and think to yourself “He said he would fix this fence! It’s been 3 months! He should follow through on what he says he’s going to do!” These thoughts aren’t going to get that fence fixed and it certainly doesn’t make you feel better if you hold onto that anger. An example of accepting this situation is “It’s been 3 months. He’s nowhere near to the point of fixing that fence. I’m going to call a repair person to do it.”
So you may be thinking that by doing this, you’re sending the message that it’s okay for him not to follow through on things. Many people get the words “acceptance” and “agreement” confused. Acceptance and agreement aren’t synonymous. By accepting a situation, you’re simply acknowledging your reality exists; the reality is your husband has not fixed the fence for 3 months and the task needs to be done. Another reality may be that your husband possibly has difficulty following through on tasks, which I suspect may be the primary reason why you’re angry.
Therapy is one way that can help you work through some of these differences between you and your partner. During the course of therapy, you can explore options of what both of you are willing to change about yourself for the sake of the relationship, as well as what you are willing to accept about your partner. Some questions you may want to reflect on:
- In what ways do you accept your partner? What behaviors do you engage in that convey this to your partner?
- Do you find yourself having difficulty accepting some of the things about your partner that he or she can’t change? If so, what is keeping you from being more accepting of this?
- What do you desire in a partner? Be specific; we all want someone who is supportive and cares about us. What does support and caring behavior look like for you?
Both you and your partner deserve to be accepted for who you are. Rather than trying to force your will on each other, take time to really understand your own needs as well as the needs of your partner. By doing this, reflecting on some of these questions listed above, and the guidance of a skilled couples therapist, you can begin making strides towards creating change. You may even discover that acceptance isn’t about giving up; it’s about unconditional love for your partner as well as for yourself.