How a Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationships

Developing a lasting and meaningful relationship with a partner is a gratifying concept.  Those initial pleasures of infatuation at meeting someone for the first time is exciting; the thought of it growing into something deeper gives hope for a future filled with love, stability, and support.  For others, those feelings of developing closeness can bring about some anxiety.  As a relationship changes and a couple becomes more comfortable with each other, patterns of interaction may change.  “He doesn’t text me ‘good morning’ each day anymore.”  “She made plans to hang out with her friend this Saturday, when she usually spends time with me.”  These subtle changes trigger a heightened state of awareness of impending doom, beliefs that these signs are the beginnings of the demise of the relationship.  There may also be times when a partner may want to spend more time together and even make plans for the near future.  This can instantly cause fears that things are moving too fast, that the relationship is moving into a stage a person isn’t quite ready for, so he or she distances themselves.  Phone calls become less frequent; less time is spent together.

These mixed reactions to a relationship is indicative of a fearful-avoidant attachment style.  Attachment refers to how we relate to those around us.  These attachments are initially developed between a young infant and their caregiver.  This first bonding experience soon establishes and plays out in each of our relationships throughout our lifetime.  

Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style in general recognize the value of developing closeness within a relationship.  At the same time, the experience of developing a more intimate bond with his or her partner is uncomfortable.  This discomfort can translate into behaviors such as shutting down or pulling away from a partner to avoid feeling overwhelmed with the growing intimacy.  They will often suppress their desires for intimacy, which can come off as distant.  If they feel their partner pulling away, he or she will make attempts to draw that person back in and reconnect.

Challenges with self-confidence and feelings of low self-worth are at the core of this particular attachment style.  This negative view of themselves, that they are unworthy of love, produces a fear of being rejected by another.  There is an underlying belief that people are untrustworthy and thus this person may avoid entering close, intimate relationships.  If they do find themselves in a relationship, they struggle between fears of abandonment by their partner and also feeling trapped if the relationship becomes more intimate.  Individuals with this attachment style can sometimes find themselves in abusive relationships.  

Looking back into the very beginning of when these attachment bonds first developed, their parents were most often distant, lacking the emotional responsiveness to the child’s needs.  Kim Bartholomew (1990), a researcher on adult attachment, proposes that “adult avoidance of intimacy has its roots in early attachment experiences in which emotional vulnerability comes to be associated with parental rejection” (p. 173).  These children grow up in an environment where it is difficult to trust that their caregiver will be their to support them emotionally.  It is not uncommon that these children have experienced some type of trauma, whether that be emotional or physical trauma; the primary attachment figure is also the person who causes the child pain.  These children manage to maintain a level of closeness with their primary caregiver, but also leaves a safe distance between themselves and their parent to prevent experiencing rejection.  These children grow to become adults who find it unsafe to trust others.  

There is hope to move towards an earned secure attachment.  Having this attachment style can elicit strong emotional reactions to situations that are real or perceived; work on regulating these emotions and gathering all the facts to create a more objective picture before you react in a situation.  Individuals with this attachment style can be hyper-sensitive to the most subtle cues; reacting to perceived rejection can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.   These strong emotions you experience may simply be a trigger to some other occurrence that happened earlier in your life.   

Work on following through with the development of a relationship.  As you begin to spend more time with your partner, anxiety and fear may arise as intimacy deepens and grows stronger.  This may elicit a desire to end the relationship; try to work through these fears.  Walking away from a relationship that can potentially grow into something positive, will not allow you to grow and experience the joys that intimacy can provide.  

Finally, consider working with a therapist to help you in overcoming these fears as well as the challenges you may be facing regarding core beliefs about yourself and your relationship with others.  Ongoing work with a trained professional can help you develop a new and healthier perspective on intimate relationships!

Reference:

Bartholomew, K. (1990).   Avoidance of intimacy: an attachment perspective.  Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 7, 147-178.